I haven't though about my father for twelve days now. I haven't seen him since he left two years, seven months, and 17 days ago. The best 958 days of my life. The day the movers came for his things, I knew that I never had to go near him again if I so chose. I don't know when I've had that same feeling of euphoria and, for the first time in my life, security.
My father abused me for the entire 15 years, one month, and five days that he was actively in my life. Even when he wasn't there, the impression he left upon me and the state of terror to which he reduced me always were. The day he left and my mother had the locks changed, I finally felt secure in my own home. The abuse which he inflicted upon me, however, left me thoroughly scarred and with virtually no self-esteem.
Growing up, I was so shy as a result of his constant belittling that I wouldn't phone my best friend to invite him over to play. My mother had to do it. I was quiet and a hard worker in school, and although I was constantly harassed by my peers because I was always at the head of the class, I rarely would say anything to the teacher about it. My teachers, with the exception of one, were always wonderful to me and made school something that I genuinely enjoyed, even with the echoing taunts of my classmates.
I rarely spoke growing up. When in public, or when company came to my house, I would hide behind one of my parents or in my room, never saying a word to anyone. It was considered cute when I was small, but it became annoying and incensed my parents increasingly with each passing year. My extreme reticence became fodder for my father's derision. This, in turn, made me even more withdrawn.
I only felt pure joy at my father's departure, and at the knowledge that I probably would never interact with him again. As I watched the locksmith pull out of the driveway, I locked the front door and was infinitely reassured by the resounding click I heard.
After he left, I finally felt some freedom to be myself. I slowly began to come out of my shell, allowing my best friend of 11 years to lead me into increasingly social situations. Just six months after my father left, I joined my school's Gay/Straight Alliance, and made a number of new friends who have now become my family in many ways. I am still introverted, but when I look back on myself just a few years ago I'm amazed at the ways in which I've evolved. Today I have spoken on panels in front of hundreds of people, I have auditioned for school plays, I have picked up the phone and called complete strangers. This year I was made the outreach officer for the GSA. I enjoy this job, which involves a lot of contact with people whom I've never met, very much.
My father's departure was a new beginning for me, a time of new growth, and I am now beginning to reap the benefits and am looking forward to sharing them with those I meet as I continue to develop. I meet with a psychologist and am taking courses which can help me learn to care for children properly and not hold unreasonable expectations as my father did. Now, I am learning to leave my past behind me and look towards the future. I can't wait to begin more extensive work with children, and to help ensure that they have what I was unable to have - a happy, healthy childhood.