Butchish

This is something I've struggled with a lot. It's very hard for me to define myself on the butch/femme spectrum. (For more about just what butch/femme is, check out Kael's butch/femme page.) For a long long time I didn't think about it at all, because unlike a lot of FTMs, I've never been a part of the lesbian community and it wasn't at all a part of my world. Then, when it became something that struck me - after meeting the person who became my mentor in my teens, who is butch, and reading Stone Butch Blues - I immediately donned a sign that said "Butch" and was proud of it. My basic rationale was, "well, I'm masculine, and I feel like I have the inner strength that goes along with a butch identity, so I guess it fits." And I was proud to call myself butch, and identified that way for a few years, through my high school graduation and into college.

After meeting a number of people since fall of 2000, though, and engaging in a few discussions on butch/femme and listening to a lot more, I started thinking that butch didn't really fit me. But at the same time, it did fit me - the word "butch" felt both right and wrong on me at the same time. Around fall of 2001, I guess, was when it started to really bother me. I couldn't for the life of me pinpoint why butch fit me, and I couldn't figure out why it didn't fit me either. And I didn't even know how to begin to explain it - how can I be butch and not butch at the same time?

So yeah. That ate at me for a few months, and I had some great conversations with some great people about it. I reached the conclusion that I am about 5% butch, and 95% androgynous, as described below. But I still didn't know what to call myself - "butch" no longer fit, but I didn't feel comfortable just calling myself andro because there was still that 5% butch in me that I really couldn't deny or ignore (not that I wanted to). Things like "soft butch" and "hard androgyne" really didn't feel right either - I couldn't explain why, but they just didn't, just like calling myself male doesn't feel right. No matter how close it may be, or how tempting it is to use it and call it close enough, it isn't a perfect fit. And I have no interest in shoehorning myself into any boxes. Close enough isn't close enough for me, not when it comes to things like identity.

Then on 24 December 2001, I had an epiphany. My high school mentor was raised Jewish and still practices bits and pieces of Judaism, but she doesn't call herself Jewish. She says she's Jewish-ish. (Or, as her partner puts it, a neo-Pagan Hedonist Jew. That makes me smile.) In her honor, and because it felt right, I adopted the label "butch-ish." If you ask me if I'm butch, I'll say no, just like if you ask me if I'm gay. But just as my not being gay doesn't make me straight, nor does it exempt me from being a big flaming fag at times, my not being butch doesn't make me femme and it doesn't exempt me from very much having butch qualities and butch moments (especially when I'm around certain people, who know who they are).

In one conversation I had with Kael about this, he asked me what it means to me to be butch. It was really hard to express it, and I still can't really put it into words, beyond the huge sense of protectiveness I feel for my loved ones (which doesn't have to be a butch trait, but very often is). I also mentioned that I carry a pocket knife, which sounds really stupid to use as a qualifier for being butch, because whether or not you carry a pocketknife or can fix a car or are afraid of spiders isn't what makes you butch or femme at all. But for some reason that felt like it represented something to me. Beyond that I couldn't really express what being butch meant to me. So he asked what being andro meant to me. My response was, "it means ... I have no inclination to either speed up or slow down when approaching a door." He laughed at that but he totally understood. (Often when approaching a door, butches will automatically and unconsciously speed up a little to open it, while femmes will automatically and unconsciously slow down a little to let the butch open it.) It's the best and simplest way I knew to articulate being andro, but I think it works nicely.

One thing that's been hard for me is when my butch friends and brothers talk about being a "good butch" and stuff like that, because I like to be told that I'm being a good little butch. But at the same time, butch isn't definitive of who I am...I'm not a butch. It's much more of an adjective for me than a noun. I'm still working on the whole idea that I can call myself a "good butch" or whatever, referring to something specific that I did, without being a butch per se. Because I'm not butch, I'm butch-ish.

The Unofficial Butch Femme Test listed me as an Androgyne. I like this test a lot (despite the disclaimer), and thought it was pretty dead-on, so I'm including it. This is what they had to say about it:

ANDROGYNE
Your score placed you in the category of Androgyne. This is the true middle of the road, neither butch nor femme. You may also wish to review Soft Androgyne and Hard Androgyne, the two categories surrounding you. In a ranking across the femme/butch gamut, if 1 is femme and 100 is butch, you fall between 48 and 52 on the scale. For a review of where you fall in the overall population in numbers, refer to this chart. Your group encompasses folks of all types, genders, and orientations, though is not as large a part of the population as the hard and soft androgynes surrounding you.

You are the best of both worlds, and have absolutely no feeling of being either femme or butch. You see yourself as "you" and that's all that matters. You dislike labels, surprised yourself by even taking this test, and are now laughing as you identify with this definition!

You switch roles fluidly without thinking from nurturing/subordinate to providing/leading as the situation demands. You are often a jack or jill of all trades and master of a few, but not all.

In clothing you go for the practical, not always bothering with the concept of neatness if that interferes with comfort or the time it takes to get dressed. Wrinkles don't drive you crazy, though you do prefer to keep reasonably up to date in your style, without going to any extreme in it.

You are shy in many ways, being intimidated by overt aggression as well as complete silence in a conversation. You tend to babble to fill silent space and clam up when confronted.

Odds are good astrologically that you are a Libra, Pisces, Gemini, or Aquarius.

You're willing to try anything once as long as it does not pose a risk to you. You're also good at doing just about any job, as long as you find a way to get trained for it. Physically, you're average in fitness, not being overly concerned about being either "curvy" or "chisled." If you are female and have some endowments, you wear a bra in public but not at home.

For partners you are comfortable with all types, for you are a peacemaker and changeling at heart, changing yourself to fit the situation and avoid hostility. You aren't a doormat, though, and do express your opinions.

Most of these people have butch/femme stuff on their sites. There's lots of great info to be had.